wickedwords

Part One
Part Two

Rodney sat in the huge, leather wingback, eyes closed, his arms crossed over his chest. He could hear Cowen pacing, but it didn't matter. Rodney wasn't budging, not this time, and it didn't matter what gifts or presents he was offered. He might not ever be able to see John again, but he wasn't going to marry Cowen.

"Is the bride ready yet?" the flea-bitten excuse for a minister asked for the fiftieth time this morning.

"No, and I am never going to be," Rodney barked out, opening his eyes. "So take your dime store diploma and your wedding certificate and hit the road, will ya?"

"Ignore him," Cowen said, lighting a cigarette. "He'll come around."

"Let me know." The unctuous baboon got to his feet and trundled for the door. "It's time for lunch now." He nodded at Rodney. "I'll be back in a couple of hours; maybe the bride will have changed his mind by then."

"I am not a bride!" Rodney yelled as the door slammed shut behind him.

"How long are we going to argue this?" Rodney didn't know the guy, but he looked like one of Cowen's dull-witted mob. Slicked back hair and a neatly trimmed mustache, and slicker than Imperial Oil.

"We're about done," Cowen ground out, sitting on the arm of the chair next to Rodney. "Look--"

"No means no. Or didn't you get that in your high school heath class?" Rodney snapped his fingers and pointed at Cowen. "Oh, that's right. You never finished high school."

Cowen nodded at oil guy. "Get the professor on the phone."

Rodney bolted upright. "You leave him out of this."

"You love him, don't ya?" Cowen said, exhaling and watching the smoke drift up into the air.

"So what if I do? I'm not going to see him again, if that's what you want."

"Oh, no. I want a lot more than that." Oil guy handed a cell phone to Cowen. "Imagine that big dork of yours tied to a chair with a car battery hooked to some of his private possessions just when it happens to rain. You wouldn't want to see that happen to him, no would you, McKay?"

"That's not funny."

"Who said it was funny? This is business." He pressed a button and put the phone up to his ear, then held out the phone to Rodney. "You take it."

"Hello?"

"I told you to do what Cowen wanted, McKay."

"Kolya?" Rodney flexed his hand around the phone. "Where are you?"

"Kavanagh and I are visiting some old friends of yours."

"What...." Rodney glanced over at Cowen. "What are you going to do?"

"That's up to the boss. Right now, we're all having breakfast together, until I have other orders."

"Orders?" Rodney's lips tightened into a hard line. He had to think of some way out of this. He knew he was smart, and now it was time to put some of those brains to use.

"You ready to make a deal now, Rodney?" Cowen came up behind him and laid his hand on Rodney's shoulder; instantly, Rodney jerked away. "I can make it worth your while."

"Knock it off." Rodney ground the words out, feeling himself start to shake. He could do this, he could, if he just had a moment to think-- "Put Sheppard on."

***

Kolya strolled across the room and held the phone out to John. "A friend of yours on the line. He's got a couple of things he wants to tell you."

"I have nothing to say to Dr. McKay." John wished this whole day were over.

"Oh?" Kolya dropped the phone in his pocket and turned his gun on Elizabeth. "You haven't? Shall I start with her, and work my way down the line, until you finally have something to say?"

"That's barbaric!" Elizabeth said, while Radek slumped against Carson.

"It's okay, love. We'll get out all right," Carson said softly. "I'm sure."

"I have seen this before," Radek murmured. "There is no escape."

"Don't move, you two," Kavanagh said, from where he had the room covered near the head of the table.

"Give me that," John said, as Kolya took out the phone again. He grabbed it and shoved it against his ear. "Hello."

"John? Are you okay?"

"We're fine. Just having...jam and toast. Your friends are here." Kolya watched him intently as he talked, and John shifted slightly, so he wouldn't have to look at him.

"Kolya and Kavanagh are no one's friends." Rodney's voice was sharp and sad, and John flushed, knowing he was being made a fool of.

"Listen, I don't know why you called." John gritted his teeth, trying to pull himself in tight so no one could see how badly he was shaken just by hearing Rodney's voice again. He was married to Cowen, now. Why was he still...messing with them? "There's nothing to be gained by holding us like this. We weren't going to the police--"

"It's okay, John." Rodney said softly, his voice like a caress against John's tight skin. "It'll be over soon. Just don't...don't go crazy and try anything stupid. They're under orders to leave you alone and--"

"Sheppard." Cowen's voice came on the line, hard and cruel, and God, what did Rodney see in a mobster like that? He couldn't believe that Rodney was in it just for the money, no matter what the evidence said.

"Yes?" A chill settled over John, and he felt himself relaxing with it. Anger, cold, crisp anger bubbled within him, and John reached out and embraced it. "I warn you Cowen, if you harm Rodney...." He let his voice drift off, as he wasn't sure exactly what he would do if that happened. He just knew that if that happened, he might do exactly what Rodney told him not to do, and go a little mad.

"Aren't you two lovebirds the funniest couple? You threaten me about hurting Rodney, and Rodney threatens me about hurting you, and you won't even talk to each other. Put Kolya on."

John handed the phone over and headed back to the rest of the team to check on Radek.

Only, when he got there, he found that Carson's supportive embrace was there to shield what Radek was working on from the gangsters. He had the large diamond out, and was using it to focus the sunlight into a pinpoint spot on Kolya's leg, just below the knee.

He shrugged when John looked at him, a "what else could I do?" expression on his face.

John gave him a swift smile, but internally, he sighed. Giving Kolya a hot foot wasn't going to get them anywhere.

"Okay, we'll wait for the call," Kolya said. "And congratulations." He thumbed the phone off and stuck it in his pocket again, looking over at Kavanagh. "Now all we have to do is wait for the all clear."

Kavanagh nodded, and settled into the nearest chair, propping his feet on the table and his gun in his lap. "When's that?"

Kolya looked around, and pulled up a stool near the outside entrance, blocking the door. "Sometime after the ceremony."

"You mean they aren't married yet?" John's heart pounded as he turned around to stare at Kolya.

"You think we'd have you under lock and key if they were?"

"I...I...I don't know." It ran completely counter to John's understanding of the matter--or rather, what he'd told himself of the situation. Maybe...maybe he had it wrong.

"Yeah, McKay wouldn't marry Cowen," Kavanagh said flatly. "They've been together for three years, and suddenly, McKay has a sore throat." He snorted. "Couldn't say yes."

"He couldn't say yes?" John felt a smile break out on his face, and oh, he wanted to laugh. The cold searing anger that he'd felt melted as he realized one thing: Rodney loved him. He couldn't marry Cowen as he was in love with John. "You are an incredibly ugly man, but at the moment, I could kiss you."

Kolya snorted. "Try it on Kavanagh, will ya? He's not as picky as I am."

John turned around and beamed at the group. "Don't you see? Apparently, it requires those two gentlemen with their guns leveled at us to get Rodney to marry Cowen."

"I see," said Elizabeth as she steepled her fingers.

"Oh!" said Parrish, sitting upright.

"Got ya," said Lorne, nodding.

"Holy Hannah," said Sam, whistling.

"I believe you are correct," added Teyla, her eyes sparking with delight.

"Oh, my," said Carson.

"I already knew that," said Radek from somewhere behind Carson.

"Huh," grunted Ronon.

"Break it up," Kolya yelled. "And go sit down."

"I'm afraid we can't allow the marriage to go forward, what with that being the case," said Carson.

"Oh, you can't, can you? What do you think we're here for?" Kavanagh aimed his gun and shattered one of the lights. "We told you all to sit down."

"Don't you think someone will come if you shoot your weapons indiscriminately like that?" Elizabeth said. "I should think you're like to keep us all quiet."

"Listen, sister," Kavanagh snarled. "We paid everyone to take the day off. Ain't no one here but ourselves."

"Now get back there and sit down!" Kolya yelled, and the group fled back to their section of the carpeting across the room from them.

"What the hell is going on?" Caldwell, the bus driver from John's slang sessions, said running into the room. "I got everyone's luggage--"

That instant of distraction was all it took. As one, Teyla and Sam grabbed for the table that Kavanagh was propped up on and gave it a shove, sending him crashing to the ground; Parrish ripped the tie-back from off of the curtains and tossed it to Lorne, who trussed Kavanagh up and sat back on his heels, hands in the air, like a Rodeo star.

Meanwhile, Radek focused the diamond's light one Kolya's eyes, blinding him, and Ronon tackled him to the ground, pinning him; John kicked his gun away while Elizabeth picked up Kavanagh's.

"What the fuck was that?" Caldwell said, glancing around the room where everyone was laughing with exhausted relief.

***

Rodney had too much time to think while they waited for the wedding commissioner to get back from lunch. He knew, deep down inside himself, that if he pushed he could come up with something--some lie, some trick, some distraction--that could possibly, potentially get him out of this yet.

The clock ticked another minute by, and he still had nothing.

Maybe in some other universe he'd been pushed hard enough that he could think fast enough to figure it out, but in this one, he'd learned to speak quickly, without thought, and just let his mouth lead him. He'd learned to dodge and sway and avoid things, run away rather than hit anything head-on, and Cowen was used to his tricks.

So they sat silent in the darkened chamber, the curtains closed against possible observers, listening to time tick by.

***

"Everyone on the bus," Caldwell yelled, leading the group outside. A huge black tour bus with "YourPartyBus.COM" emblazoned on it stood at the building's entrance, and he slid into the driver's seat. "Someone has to tell me where were going."

"Can anyone trace a phone number?" Elizabeth stuffed her hand into Kolya's pocket, while he glared at her from his roped and gagged positon on the floor, and pulled out his cell phone.

"That's easy," said Sam, "if you have a laptop."

Elizabeth nodded at her briefcase, sitting on the overhead rack. "It's set up with wi-fi access. I just need to enter a code."

"Cool." Sam grinned.

While Elizabeth and Sam traced the last call placed, John sank back against the seat, watching as Ronon secured an unconscious Kavanagh and a struggling Kolya across the aisle from each other at the back of the bus.

"That's a nasty wound." Carson shook his head, looking at Kavanagh. "I should check him."

"He'll live," Ronon said. "This is the one you should worry about." He prodded Kolya.

"Yes, well, I may have a solution for that." Carson scanned the luggage until he spotted his bag, then he pulled it down and rummaged around in it, until he found a small black bag. "Here we are."

John glanced over at Elizabeth. "I'm sorry about this. It could get dangerous."

Elizabeth lifted her eyebrow and smiled crookedly at him. "I don't think you'll have to worry about your job, John. Once I let O'Neill know about the...extenuating circumstances." She tilted her head at Kolya. "I'm sure he'll change his mind."

"Got it!" Sam yelled to Caldwell. "Last call was made in a town called Agassiz."

Caldwell checked his GPS on the dashboard. "It'll be about an hour, and we'll need more details than that."

Carson opened his case and pulled out a long, white feather. "Oh, I'm sure that he'll be willing to talk."

Radek ripped aside Kolya's shirt, and Kolya started yelling and laughing the instant the feather brushed his skin.

***

Cowen was at his most stiff and formal as he spoke, his two goons acting as witnesses for the ceremony. "I, Edmund Cowen--"

"Wow, with a name like that, no wonder you turned to a life of crime." Rodney didn't even try to keep his voice down. As near as Rodney could figure, the wedding commissioner was deaf, as he didn't listen to a thing Rodney said.

"Take you, Rodney McKay," Cowen continued.

"Who hates and despises you," Rodney muttered.

"To be your lawful wedded husband," prompted the commissioner.

"To be my lawful wedded...husband." Cowen smirked and Rodney rolled his eyes. Yeah, like this marriage was going to last.

"For better, for worse--"

"Definitely for worse." Rodney waved his hand in the air.

"For richer, for poorer," continued Cowen. "In sickness and in health--"

"Yeah, I'm getting sick right now."

"Cut it out, McKay." Cowen turned to the commissioner. "Where were we?"

Rodney heard something then, right outside the closed-off windows. Someone was singing--no, not someone, a whole bunch of someones and most of 'em couldn't carry a tune. He started smiling as the voices grew louder, shaking off Cowen's arm when he tried to get Rodney's attention.

"It's over," Rodney said, clicking his tongue and pointing his finger like a gun. "And you lost."

The door burst open, and Carson and Radek practically fell into the room, with Sam and Teyla a step behind them. Teyla had Kolya's gun in her hand while Sam had Kavanagh's and each of them had a wicked gleam in her eye that dared anyone to act up.

Rodney made a mental note not to get on their bad sides.

Parrish, Lorne, and Ronon burst in from the side door, and while they didn't have guns, Ronon had a look in his eye that made Rodney feel chilled, and it wasn't even turned against him. He stalked forward easily, his hands flexing as he walked, as if he would take all of them apart with his hands.

Cowen grabbed Rodney with one hand and whipped out his gun with the other. "Back door," he yelled at the two men with him, dragging Rodney with him, gun pressed against his back.

The professors ignored Cowen, pressing forward as Cowen's gang retreated out of the room. Rodney couldn't see Sheppard, and his heart pounded, wondering what had happened to him.

Daylight sprang up behind him; someone must have reached the back door.

Then Cowen stumbled, and the gun was gone from his back, and Rodney darted away, turning around to watch Sheppard pick up the gun and toss it aside, glaring murderously at Cowen.

If he thought Ronon had been fierce, it was nothing compared with Sheppard. There was no grace or finesse in how he tackled Cowen, just animal desperation. He landed punch after punch, going for the most vulnerable spots with a focused enthusiasm that bordered on the frightening. Rodney knew he had to stop it

"Hey!" he shouted, waving his hand. "Over here! Alive. Ready to get out of this place."

"Rodney?" John's head jerked up, and Cowen landed a good one.

Rodney winced. "Yeah, fine. The rest of them are tied up. Elizabeth's making a few phone calls to the Mounties or whoever and they'll be here shortly. So you could think about stopping your pissing match any time."

"Just one more punch, okay?"

"Sure, sure. Just make sure you don't bleed all over my wedding vest, okay? I don't want to look like hell for the photos."

"No problem," said John, and hit Cowen one last time.

***

Elizabeth called O'Neill and explained the situation, and O'Neill made a few calls of his own. They hauled away Cowen's group, while noises were made about kidnapping, blackmail, and threats to wedding commissioners. Someone--Carson, probably--had insisted that everyone sit down to a cup of tea in the parlor, and finally, at last, Rodney thought he might stop shaking as he sat curled up in an armchair.

Now that he could think, he realized how strange this whole thing was. "This isn't going to work," he said abruptly, turning to look at the group. "You want someone with a real education--"

"Oh, we'll teach you!" Carson said, and glanced at Elizabeth. "Off hours of course."

"You need to eat better anyway," Ronon agreed.

"And I need an assistant," said Radek.

"So do I!" said Parrish.

"And I," added Teyla. "I'm sure that there are many ways that you could help out on the project, Rodney "

"You're all insane. Each and every one of you." Rodney shook his head, his mouth set in a stubborn line. He knew the world wasn't made of fairy tales, and that it was better if he disappeared, rather than letting them get dragged down with him.

John cleared his throat, and Rodney finally looked at him. "You'll have to learn that there are times when words simply cease to be of use." He pulled Rodney up out of the chair, his hand warm. "Come here." He pulled Rodney in close, so their lips almost met.

Rodney's heart raced, John's warmth so near, so tantalizing-- "That's not fair, John. That's not--"

John's arms wrapped around his shoulders as their lips brushed in a gentle kiss, but Rodney couldn't let it stay gentle for long. He wanted to give John everything, lay it all right out there for John to take, and it didn't matter if he got anything in return. Just being with John--holding him, kissing him, touching him--was more than enough.

"Oh, I say," said Parrish. "Don't you think they should breathe?"

Rodney opened his eyes and caught Lorne's smile as he said, "Naah. They're doing fine. Maybe we should follow their example." He tugged Parrish into his arms, and gave him a kiss as well.

Impressed with his ability to start a trend, Rodney closed his eyes and let himself sink into John's kiss.

The End.

Author's Notes